I'm taking a risk here. I don't mean writing a blog but that's a risky thing too, I suppose. What if I decide to become a public figure at some point and people read it?? The horror.

The risk I mean is this post title. It's wildly pretentious, I think. But I also think that it's important to reach for some pretentious bullshittery every once in awhile. Our time is finite, why not put on the trappings of being too fancy sometimes? Why not reach for the depths of philosphical thought while mostly ignorant of what has come before? Why not risk making a fool of yourself?

For years, I thought my purpose was being a game designer. I started with some game jams, went to graduate school to supplement my knowledge, fought my way into a job or two, then landed a gig with a for-really-real studio and worked up to Lead before getting caught in a layoff. A twelve year run with all the ups and downs of it. Hired, quit, hired, laid off, hired, fired, hired, quit, hired, laid off... In retrospect I cannot say that it ever really did motivate me. By the time the last layoff came around, I was dreaming of how to get out entirely. I enjoyed parts of the work, but hated most of it. It wasn't what I thought I wanted to do. I couldn't make things. I had to make what others said I should make and my personal opinions or inputs were just noise to be discarded by the egos that signed the paychecks. In the months following that layoff, I tried to make my own game and found that the spark was simply gone. I didn't have it any more. I felt like a husk.

So that's what I've been trying to make sense of now for half a year. What does it mean to have a purpose? Not really for everyone, but at least for me. What does it mean for me to have a purpose? I think I have at least a little bit of an answer. Maybe. Trying.

Here's where I've landed so far:

What I Think I Need (A Work in Progress)

Three principles that maybe will help me feel like I have some value to give. I know what some people will and do say: "but everyone has value!" You try telling that to my brain. I certainly can't apply it to myself every day. Not for lack of trying but the things that people say to you when they have anonymity or social distance nest deep in the psyche.

For now, this website is the first thing to come out of those principles. I like to think that I can collect all of my skills into a central hub where I can then share things that maybe will help other people. And the site is kind of a tangible thing. I have to cobble together functionality from multiple sources and I like the effort of the kludge. It'll be a long work in progress. Maybe I'll even share some games I make here if I ever do that again.

Today's Track: Instead of Here - Mitski